How Narcissists Use Gaslighting to Control & Confuse You
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Feeling Like You’re Losing Your Mind? It Might Be Gaslighting
Do you ever feel lost in a fog of confusion? Maybe after talking with someone close? You walk away doubting what you thought you knew. Perhaps you question your own memory. You might even wonder if you’re being too sensitive, or worse, going a little crazy. If any of that sounds familiar, please know this: You’re not alone. And you are definitely not crazy.
That unsettling feeling, that constant self-doubt? It often has a name: gaslighting. It’s a confusing and painful experience. It’s a tactic frequently used by people with narcissistic traits. They use it to twist things around. In fact, it’s one of the main ways they try to keep control.
gaslighting: It’s a tactic frequently used by people with narcissistic traits.
For my wife, Helen, and me, this really hit home a while back. We got tangled up with a couple – let’s call them Tim and Tracy for this story – who seemed like friends at first. However, over time, their actions became incredibly confusing. Things just didn’t add up. Eventually, we realized their behavior was a constant pattern of twisting reality, dodging blame, and making us doubt ourselves. It was a painful lesson, but it taught us so much about how narcissists use gaslighting. Seeing those tactics firsthand, like the denial or the subtle undermining, helped me put a name to the manipulation.
It’s incredibly difficult when someone chips away at your reality. As a result, you might feel isolated and misunderstood. But finding words for what’s happening is a powerful first step. This post is about understanding how narcissists use gaslighting. We’ll look at why they do it and the common ways it shows up. Hopefully, shining a light on these tactics can help you see things more clearly and start finding your way back to solid ground.
What is Gaslighting, Really? (It’s More Than Just a Lie)
So, what exactly is gaslighting? Put simply, it’s when someone deliberately tries to make you doubt your own mind. They want you to question your memories. They want you to second-guess your feelings. Ultimately, they want you to doubt your sanity and perception of reality.
It’s more than just telling a lie or disagreeing. Gaslighting is a pattern of manipulation. It happens over and over again. As a matter of fact, the goal isn’t just to deceive you in the moment. The real aim is to undermine your confidence so much that you lose trust in yourself. Then, you might rely more on them for what’s real. It gives them power and control.
The real aim is to undermine your confidence so much that you lose trust in yourself.
You might have heard the term comes from an old movie called Gaslight. In it, a husband subtly manipulates things in the house. He dims the gaslights, then tells his wife she’s imagining it when she notices. He does this repeatedly. Eventually, she starts to believe she’s losing her mind. That’s the essence of it – making someone feel like their reality isn’t real.
Takeaway:
Gaslighting isn’t just lying; it’s a repeated pattern designed to deliberately make you doubt your own memory, feelings, and sanity to gain power over you.
Why Do They Do It? The Need Behind the Manipulation
Understanding why someone might gaslight doesn’t make it okay. Nothing excuses this kind of behavior. However, sometimes understanding the motivation can help clear away some of the confusion. It helps us see it’s about them, not about us. So, how narcissists use gaslighting often ties back to their own inner world.
Often, it stems from a deep need for control. They need to feel like they’re running the show. Additionally, they absolutely cannot stand being held accountable. Gaslighting lets them dodge responsibility for their actions. They can twist the story so they never have to face consequences or offer a genuine apology.
It also feeds their need to feel superior. By making you doubt yourself, they feel smarter, stronger, or more stable in comparison. Ironically, this behavior often hides deep insecurities. They might feel fragile inside. Gaslighting helps them maintain a false, grandiose image and avoid facing their own flaws or emptiness. Sadly, their lack of empathy means they often don’t grasp (or care about) the immense pain they cause.
Takeaway:
Narcissists gaslight primarily out of a deep need for control, to avoid accountability for their actions, maintain a false sense of superiority, and cover their own insecurities.
Technique #1: Denying Your Reality (“That Never Happened”)
One of the most common and confusing gaslighting techniques is flat-out denial. They insist something you clearly remember never actually happened. Or they’ll deny saying something you distinctly heard them say. Even if you have proof, they might stick to their story.
- “I never said that”
- “You’re making things up again”
- “I have no idea what you’re talking about”
They might also pretend to forget important conversations or promises. For instance, you might bring up a commitment they made, and they’ll look blankly, claiming no memory of it. It’s incredibly frustrating. It’s designed to make you constantly second-guess your own memory. After a while, you might start wondering, “Did that really happen? Did I imagine it?” (I remember this clearly from our experience with Tim – specific instructions about caring for something were ignored, damage occurred, yet he flatly denied doing anything unusual, making us question if we’d somehow been unclear).
Takeaway:
A core gaslighting tactic is flat-out denying things they said or did, or pretending to forget, making you constantly question your own memory.
Technique #2: Making You Feel Small (“You’re Just Too Sensitive”)
Another powerful tactic is trivializing your feelings or concerns. They make it seem like your reactions are unreasonable or unimportant. They might dismiss your hurt, anger, or worry as being “too sensitive,” “overly emotional,” or “dramatic.”
- “You’re overreacting”
- “It was just a joke. Lighten up”
- “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
When you try to express yourself, they shut you down by making your feelings seem invalid. As a result, you start to feel ashamed or silly for having perfectly normal emotions. You might hesitate to speak up next time. This teaches you to suppress your feelings, which gives them more control. (Thinking back to Tim and Tracy, any reaction we had to their subtle digs or button-pushing could be twisted instantly, painting us as the ones who were overreacting or causing trouble in front of others).
Takeaway:
They trivialize your valid feelings and concerns, dismissing them as overreactions or sensitivity, which discourages you from expressing yourself honestly.
Technique #3: Blocking and Diverting (“Let’s Not Talk About That Now”)
Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation, only for the other person to shut it down completely? Narcissists often use blocking or diverting tactics. They might refuse to listen. They could pretend not to understand what you’re saying, even if it’s simple. Or they might abruptly change the subject, especially when you’re trying to hold them accountable.
- “I don’t want to hear this right now”
- “You’re not making any sense”
- “What about that thing you did last week?”
Sometimes, they might even feign ignorance about basic rules or expectations, almost like pretending they don’t know how things work just to avoid cooperating. (Tim’s habit of suddenly having ‘something important to do’ when facing accountability in our non-profit group, or claiming he ‘didn’t know’ simple procedures we’d discussed, felt exactly like this tactic in action). Consequently, real communication becomes impossible. You feel unheard, frustrated, and stuck going in circles. It’s exhausting.
Takeaway:
Gaslighters shut down meaningful conversation by refusing to listen, changing the subject, or feigning ignorance, keeping you frustrated and unheard.
Technique #4: Twisting the Story (“It’s Actually Your Fault”)
This is a classic gaslighting move. They question your version of events and insist their (often distorted) memory is the accurate one. They might subtly or drastically rewrite history to suit their narrative. Crucially, they often twist things around to make you responsible for their bad behavior or for negative outcomes. I would even go so far to say, they literally accusing you of what they’re doing.
- “No, it didn’t happen like that. You remember it wrong”
- “If you hadn’t provoked me, I wouldn’t have yelled”
- “It’s your fault things turned out this way”
Blame-shifting is a core part of this. They simply cannot accept responsibility, so they find ways to put it onto you. And here’s something I’ve noticed too. Often, the things they accuse you of doing? It’s exactly what they are doing themselves. It’s another bewildering way they twist things around. Over time, this constant challenging of your reality and misplaced blame can make you incredibly confused about what actually happened. You might even start to believe you are the problem.
Takeaway:
They distort facts, question your recollection, and shift blame onto you, making you feel confused and responsible for their behavior or negative outcomes.
Technique #5: Turning Others Against You (Undermining and Isolating)
Gaslighting doesn’t always happen just between two people. Sometimes, a narcissist will try to undermine your credibility with others. They might spread rumors about you. They could tell mutual friends or family that you’re “unstable,” “crazy,” or “difficult.” They do this subtly, often playing the victim themselves.
This tactic serves to isolate you. If others start doubting your sanity or reliability, you lose your support system. Furthermore, it makes it harder for anyone else to see the narcissist’s manipulative behavior. They might seem charming and reasonable to others, while you’re painted as the problem. (This really hits home – seeing how Tim and Tracy gradually won over mutual friends, eventually organizing things that pointedly excluded us, was a painful masterclass in how manipulators can isolate their targets).
They might also attack your sanity directly, saying things like, “You sound crazy, you know that?” or “Maybe you need help.” Ultimately, the goal is to make you feel completely alone and dependent only on them, strengthening their control.
Takeaway:
Narcissists may undermine you to others, spreading rumors or painting you as unstable, in order to isolate you from support systems.
Seeing Through the Fog: Your First Step to Healing
If you’ve been nodding along, recognizing these patterns, please take a deep breath. Just seeing the gaslighting for what it is? That’s enormous. It’s the first, vital step out of the fog. Realizing how narcissists use gaslighting helps you reclaim your power.
The emotional toll is real. Feeling confused, anxious, exhausted, and having your self-worth chipped away – that’s the painful impact of this manipulation. (I remember months where my wife, Helen, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about the whole situation with Tim and Tracy. It felt like we were constantly replaying events, caught in an exhausting loop fueled by so much hurt. Eventually, after what felt like forever, we managed to break free from that cycle). So, my point is, please be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time.
Start by trying to trust your gut feelings again. That little voice inside that whispers, “Something isn’t right here”? Listen to it. Keeping a journal can be incredibly helpful. Write down what happened, what was said, how you felt. It creates a record of reality that they can’t easily twist later. Talk to someone you trust, someone outside the situation if possible. A therapist knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse can also be a lifeline.
Finding Your Footing Again
Understanding how narcissists use gaslighting is like getting a map out of a confusing maze. They use denial, trivializing, blocking, blame-shifting, and undermining to control situations and make you doubt yourself. It’s a deliberate strategy, driven by their own needs, not by anything you did wrong.
Remember this, please: It was not your fault. Your feelings are valid. Your memories are real. Your perception matters. Finding your footing again after this kind of experience is a journey, but it’s absolutely possible. There is hope. There is healing. There is life beyond this confusion.
Thank you for reading and spending this time here. If you feel comfortable, feel free to share any thoughts or experiences in the comments below. Sometimes just knowing others understand can make a world of difference. You’re not alone on this path.
Warmly,
Oscar
